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A Conversation About The UNSG


Obama: Vladi, hi. What a nice surprise! What can I do for you?

Putin: Barakcho, my old friend, thanks for taking call. Look, it’s about the UNSG.

Obama: The what?

Putin: Boss of United Nations – the job’s up for grabs, I guess you heard?

Obama: Oh that – yeah. What about it?

Putin: Okay, so Russian position is (a) someone from our neck of woods – okay, not Russia, we get that, no problem there, but former USSR satellite, know what I mean?

Obama: Yep, reckon I do. And?

Putin: And (b) – woman.

Obama: Uh huh. So where do I fit in?

Putin: So, leading former-USSR-satellite–woman-candidate – she is Irina Bokova of Bulgaria-

Obama: Sorry, where?

Putin: Bulgaria. ‘B’ like ‘Barak’.

Obama: Uh huh.

Putin: Thing is, Barakcho, your people don’t like her.

Obama: That a fact?

Putin. Da – sorry, yes. They think she is too, how to say, ‘communist’.

Obama: I see. Well, I’m kinda guided by my people in these things…

Putin: Yes, of course. That’s what your people are for. So, we have another suggestion.

Obama: Sure, shoot.

Putin: Another Bulgarian woman, if you can believe that. Her name Kristalina Georgieva. She not communist person, she worked for World Bank, she market-loving economist, she high up in European Union. Your people say, okay, that works better for us.

Obama: They do, huh?

Putin: Da, and Bulgarian boss – sorry, government – he say okay, if this lady works for USA and Russia, we run with her. Bokova, never mind.

Obama: I see. Well, if my people are happy with Mrs Gorgova-

Putin: Dzh-e-o-r-dzh-i-e-va

Obama: Right. And she’s good for you guys too, is that right?

Putin: Da.

Obama: Okay, Vladi. That’s no problem. Happy to oblige. Just let me know where and when to sign.

Putin: Thank you, Barakcho. My people will be in touch with your people.

Obama: Good talking to you, old friend. Warmest regards to the family.

Putin: Likewise. Bye for now.

Obama: Bye.

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